Out Of Control

Control...The dictionary describes it as this: the power to influence or direct people's behavior or the course of events. 

The other day while driving my daughter home from school, we were sitting at a red light.  All of a sudden we were thrown forward.  Confused and shaken we realized someone had hit the back of my car. Something that affected us tremendously, but we had no control over it.  One minute you're sitting there minding your own business, then BAM..it hits you hard.

This reminds me of my life struggles right now...I didn't see them coming, they hit me hard, and I have no control over them.  Just like the accident, I have to assess the damage.  We all do.  We have choices when we make this assessment. Sometimes you have to make a change because the damage is just to much...it's unrepairable.  Other times it may seem salvageable, but you're afraid to get behind the wheel again.

I think the reason I feel the need to have more control right now, is that all the major areas of my life are spinning out of control.  I watch as they spiral down and there is nothing I can really do about it.  It can be a depressing realization if you let it.  Reflecting on this, maybe I'm wrong. I know I don't have the power to influence others behavior, or the course of events, but I can have influence on myself.  One way is how I (well we all) have to view control.  We have to give up our control to God.  Give up all my control to God? It's a hard thing to do.  But the fact is we don't have any control to "give up to God"...it's already all His!  So where does the desire to control come from?  We think control guarantees us the life we want...we are trying to guarantee the outcomes we think we need.  So what drives control?  I would think fear and anxiety could. 

So as I assess my life and my situations, I'm reminded that God is in control and that I must make a conscience effort to trust Him, that He will give me the strength and the grace to deal with my struggles.  For that I'm thankful.

Pity Party for One Please...

There is something about spring that brings me so much joy, hope and even a better attitude.  I don't really care for winter as it seems to lead to a sort of depression in a lot of people...me included.  Emotionally, this winter has been more challenging for me with a few added trials in my life. We've all heard the sayings..."don't let your emotions get the best of you", and  "attitude is a choice", etc.  While I know these are true statements, when you're in that state of mind you sometimes don't like to hear them...even from yourself !   You know what you need to do and how to act but yet you're perfectly happy to have that little pity party.  That's how I found myself lately.

With so many people facing difficult times, it sometimes seems relentless.  I don't know why this is, but what I do see is how life's trials and tribulations actually bring out courage and perseverance in them.  If God works all things together for good, then this must include trials, and He must have a divine purpose. In 1st Peter it speaks of our trials resulting in praise and glory at the revelation of Christ, and the proving of our true faith.  What's also comforting to know is that during these times, we press into God and therefore grow closer to Him.

As springtime rolls around and you see the trees and flowers start to bloom, and hear the birds sing, you're reminded that God created such beauty and that He takes care of even the birds...so how much more will He care for you, His MOST beautiful creation!  As I sit here on my balcony enjoying the sights and smells of the new season I'm again reminded how much God loves me, and really does take care of me...even through my trials, even in MY new season of life. This relieves my doubts and fears and helps me toward living a life that is both pleasing to him, and satisfying to me.  We have the precious gift of life but are unsure how long we are truly given.  My hope is to make each day count.

 That's cancer with a little c.....

They say that journaling is good for the soul, so I've decided to step out of my "private ways" and be more transparent.  My hope is that while I'm finding that life is worth living, that others also will.  It seems so cliche to say "life is short - make the best of it", but no one knows this better than I...and it all started in November of 2007.

Finding that lump was the beginning of the end..or so I thought.  After tests were done and appointments made, here came that dreadful word...the "c" word.  While my head was still reeling the doctor would proceed to talk about surgery, chemo and radiation.  Being a follower of Christ, I'd like to say that I immediately felt God's presence, felt his hand on my life, but in all honesty I felt nothing but numb.  After all, how could this happen to me?  What about my family?  All the questions that run through your mind.

The surgery was done and now came the even harder part. Needing strength, courage and peace, I grew closer to God each day.  Of course my family and friends were so supportive and helpful during my treatments, and I took this time to do a lot of reflecting on my life. I began to be thankful for even the smallest of things...sunshine on your face, the smells in the air, the birds chirping, even my children arguing.  My moto became "I may have cancer, but cancer doesn't have me".

Constant scans became a way of life for me...they still are.  Fast forward to November 2010.  After finding something above my collarbone it was back to the doctor.  It was confirmed to be a tumor so more chemo and radiation as I was determined to be around for my family.  Unfortunately this did not work and currently I am considered Stage IV with current metastasis to my skin. They say my cancer is aggressive but I know the truth and the truth shall set you free..the God I serve is able. 

You see I may have cancer with a little c, but more importantly, I have Christ with a Big C...and that's all I really need.  So now you see why life is worth living !